Private message to Raz

[alt_sinistra]

All my nightmares are about failing you

I’m sorry. You deserve so much better than what I gave you this week. More loyalty, more fairness, more love.

I’m sorry for not telling you I believed you. For not asking how you were. For not shouting my belief in you from the top of the tower until everyone heard. For leaving you alone. For so many other things.

I couldn’t even look up at the stars last night

What do you need? Or want? Will you tell me how you are?

Could we meet somewhere and talk? (I’m at Mum and Dad’s - told them I needed space to think.) Here. Spence. Hogsmeade. Not school. I don’t - I don’t trust being somewhere she’s trying to control. Not until I can tell you what she said, implied. And you can tell me more. This is about my twelfth version of this.

I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want to talk ever

I keep seeing Cassie’s face, the tiny bit she showed me. And everything goes blurry and dense and I can’t think at all. Couldn’t think for days. But in between, I know that isn’t you. Can’t be you. Would never be you. That’s not the problem.

She threatened me, if I didn’t do what she wanted. If I didn’t “behave appropriately” with you. My job. Mum’s. I shouldn’t have let that stop me. Should have come to you. Should have realised faster, what she was doing.

I hate more than anything else that I hurt you. That I left you alone. I’m sorry, and sorry isn’t enough. And none of it makes any sense.

I didn’t know I could hate this much.

What do we do now?

Comments

[alt_rabastan]

No, I'm sorry for snapping at you. I regretted it almost immediately. And also for having the sort of wild and ill-spent youth (and adulthood) that apparently makes me a good target for this sort of scandal.


I'm also sorry to say that I have absolutely no idea where to go next. I've received very little information and feedback from either Lucius or Dominic- nothing much encouraging, at any rate. I have, however, had several offers from those who would volunteer to "encourage" Dolores into an early grave, but that's hardly the sort of help either of us needs right now.