Private message to Pomona

[alt_sinistra]

Pomona,

It feels terribly odd to do this, but I’m still buried in parchment work, so coming down to you would be tricky. But would you by chance have time to be a listening ear? Or eye, rather?

It might be easier if I don’t have to talk, just write, anyway.

Comments

[alt_pomona]

Wouldn't mind a diversion from my own parchments, at that.

How are you faring, dear?

[alt_sinistra]

Honestly? Not that well.

I couldn’t sleep this morning, so I went for a walk, and I...

Look. I’ve known what the thestrals are - people do talk. But it’s the first time I’ve been able to see them. And I spent a lot of time there, just watching them and thinking. And then trying not to think.

Neither one seems to be helping.

[alt_pomona]

I didn't realise that this was your first...

I'm so sorry.

[alt_sinistra]

Yes.

Known people who died - well, as you do.

And both Alde's death and Alcor's hit me hard, as I think you know. But they were also ready for it - they'd done what they'd wanted and lived full lives, and all that.

Saturday was, well. Totally different.

[alt_pomona]

I quite understand.

And, well, witnessing death is always traumatic. My first was my Runes Professor, when I was a student. Keeled over, from some sort of heart ailment--I'll never forget the look on his face.

But recent events are something else again.

[alt_sinistra]

Yes.

And - well, to have it include students I'd taught.

I'm trying to be sensible about it, and know that I'm off kilter, and all that. (And Mum must have realised, because I got a long letter from her on Tuesday about some things.)

But, well. Is it better to just keep pushing, and doing my bit for the students we have here? Or am I doing myself - and them - a disservice by pretending that it's the same as it was last week?

[alt_pomona]

Whatever you need to do in public--and don't worry, I peeped into the YPL event for a moment and you seemed perfectly composed--I don't think you need to pretend to yourself.

Don't really think it's healthy, if you want to know the truth.

[alt_pomona]

Is your Raz coming up later tonight?

I think some company in person would do you good, but in this one area...I can appreciate that you might have reservations.

[alt_sinistra]

Yes, and yes.

I put him off for a bit tonight - I really did need to get through a few more bits of parchment shuffling.

There are ways time with him is the only thing that really helps.

And there are ways in which it's the hardest thing ever, because our experiences are so far apart. We've talked about his past, but I haven't really spelled out mine - and how sheltered I was during the worst of things - the same way.

[alt_pomona]

I do think that's it a matter that will come up, sooner or later, but you've every right to choose your own time and place.

Is your worry that he will become excessively overprotective...or rather the opposite?

[alt_sinistra]

Yes, quite. Mostly, I am aiming for getting through the next week and a half, first. One thing at a time.

On my worry - honestly, I don't quite know how to put it into words. He does get frustrated about not being able to protect me (and this YPL business is particularly hard that way, because they brought our relationship into it.)

But it's also that - well, as I said, I know what he's done. And he doesn't seem that bothered by Saturday.

Intellectually, I knew, he was scrupulous about telling me, and far more than I expected him to be, honestly. But I'm not sure in other ways, how I feel, if you see what I mean.

[alt_pomona]

I do.

Quite.

[alt_sinistra]

It's good to hear that. Both that the outward face is good enough (though honestly, if you asked me right now what Melete said, I couldn't tell you the bits I didn't already know.)

But also the other. It's just figuring out what to do about it that's hard.

In some ways, I'm very glad I've got to focus on this stupid investigation - it's given me something to do so I don't have to think so much just yet.

[alt_pomona]

Yes, that is always the question. What to do.

I do believe that there is more at work in the world than we know.

I'm sorry you've been lumbered with that nonsense on top of everything else, but at least it's useful as distraction.

Just beware of the crash, after.

[alt_sinistra]

I hope so. That there's some larger pattern. (I've always believed so - how do we get the stars above us, doing what they do, if there isn't some pattern to the world? But where it comes from, I've no idea.)

On the crash - do you have any advice? Mum warned me the same, but all she suggested was taking time off, if I could, and that's clearly a problem. (And even the holidays, I'll have YPL meetings, and those are going to be worse than the investigation, in some ways, as I'll have to manage Stint.)

[alt_pomona]

It seems quite inadequate, really, but the best thing I can suggest to you is to make time each day for the things that bring you peace. You might spend some time stroking your Nashira's feathers, if that appeals.

Give yourself plenty of time alone, and don't over-schedule yourself if you can avoid it--though that may not be possible.

Don't treat yourself harshly, in any way.

[alt_sinistra]

Mmm. I'll think on that. I've been just sitting back and listening to more music, as well, and that seems to help, a bit.

As to the over-scheduling - ah, well. That's another point of contention in conversations with Raz.

[alt_pomona]

You are certainly the mistress of your own time and life, but I think there may be something to what he's saying (what I imagine he's saying, in any case).

I have the greatest respect for your drive to help our students, but if nothing else, becoming Head of House taught me that you can only do so much if there's nothing left for you.

Don't be afraid to be a little selfish.

[alt_sinistra]

It's the cost of not doing what I'm doing that I keep coming back to. (Which, really, is the problem with this YPL business. I've no illusions about what might happen to our students with someone else in charge, and that makes it hard to put aside.)

But yes, there is that. And when Raz, and you, and Poppy, and my mother all say the same thing, perhaps it is wise to start listening.

Thank you, though. It helped a great deal to talk this out a bit. I should wrap up, now, though, as I expect Raz in not too long.

[alt_pomona]

And I agree with you, about the cost; only, perhaps there may be ways to make it more manageable?

Think on it, in any case.

And with that I'll wish you a good night, with a hope for better dreams.