alt_sinistra | A pause

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A pause

It seems somehow impossible that it’s April already, and yet this has been such a very busy year, given our visitors at Hogwarts. I’m in New London now, looking forward to a bit of a break, after a few necessary tasks get crossed off my list.

I did get in an unexpectedly long walk before my meetings started this morning, and felt much better for it afterwards. It was nice to have a change of pace - along shop windows and parks, rather than the Black Lake or the grounds - too. Always helps me think, a good walk.

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Raz,

I don’t like fighting with you one bit. And especially not about that wedding, of all stupid things.

I’m sorry. For a lot of things. For being so touchy last night. This week. Longer. For leaving so early this morning (I was sure I’d say something ~~unforgiveable~~ entirely unfair if I didn’t.) For handling things so badly.

Can we fix this? If you’re not entirely fed up and done with me.

It’s not just the workload (though you’re right it’s a problem) but figuring out how to talk about the rest has taken me weeks. I think I’m ready now, to do it right and fair and not make things even worse.

Just .. can I get through these meetings first? My head’s spinning trying to keep everything straight, and dealing with Stint isn’t helping.

Sorry.

Well for what it's worth, I'm not dead chuffed to be attending yet another of Amata's wedding events.

But sniping about it makes me feel as though these are my events, which are yet another factor in your constant state of frustration and exhaustion.

I'd just rather go alone than bring someone who's feeling prickly and resentful. Everyone knows that I'm in New London and not teaching, so there's no valid reason not to go. And, things being what they are, I'd rather not appear to anyone as if I'm drifting away from "good society."

The workload is a little more than just a problem by now.

But yes, we can talk. Should talk.

What's Stint doing now? I knew I should have removed him of his mouth permanently...

Fixed stars. You're right. You really are.

And - look, I'd much rather be at the Astronomy Guild meeting. Unsurprisingly. But it also says something if I don't go with you to the wedding. And one of the things I came to while walking is that I'd rather be with you than not. At least if I can fix the prickly and resentful part.

Talk tomorrow night, then, when I'm done here? For however long it takes?

As to Stint: he's being as well behaved as one could possibly expect so far.(Also absurdly smug about something.) Which frankly makes me deeply suspicious. But there’s also something odd, in the way the conversation’s going.

I just don’t know if I’m jumping at shadows or what.

And if one more person recommends that new Transfiguring Your Stress book to me, I am not going to be responsible for the consequences.

Hmm. Smugness is one of those unwise attitudes that says a fat lot more about what you want other people to feel rather than what you're feeling yourself. What a pillock.

As for the jumping- you've good reason to be on your guard, but then he's also got a good reason to try to get under your skin. The thing about working two jobs that are really meant for two separate people is that it wears down your instincts and judgment. And sends you out for long, stompy walks at dawn.

I know we've been over this before and you don't trust the YPL to anyone other than yourself, but there's another option we've not yet discussed. Mostly because I'm fairly certain you would dismiss it outright.

I'm trying to figure out the right balance between caring and meddling here, but I can't not say something when I fear that if you go on like this you will do serious harm to your mental and physical health. The YPL may have started as a little pilot programme, but now it's grown into its own beast (one that a variety of interested parties want to lay claim to), and I can't imagine that there will be an interest in scaling it back anytime soon- quite the contrary, in fact. It's just not the same as gathering up students and watching them duel on Tuesday nights.

But yes, we'll talk. For however long it takes.

I've at least an idea on some of the smugness, now - when we were coming back from lunch (Mum sends her love), he made sure to let me overhear that he's Maebh Drumgoole's +1 for that cursed wedding.

Honestly, that almost makes me want to show up and be gloriously happy with you at him, and isn't that petty of me. I should be gloriously happy with you entirely for your own sake. (I am, mind you, when I'm not being amazingly difficult at the world.)

As to the suggestion, well. Less outright dismissal than you might think. (Said I'd been thinking a lot.) Some of this year has been much worse because of the visiting schools, mind, but you're right, the thing keeps growing and growing.

I still worry about who might take it up, mind. And if you'd heard some of the proposals today (I can show you the transcripts, actually) you'd be worried too, for Harry and Hydra and all, because some of them are absurdly risky and a few outright ill-intentioned.

But I'm more willing to talk it through and see if we can't figure out how to get someone who'd not be awful in, or an assistant I can trust, or well, something. If you'll help me figure out a way out of the tangle.

I've got a quick errand when we're done here (robes to pick up), but I'll be back after that. And I promise to not take my frustration out on you tonight, truly.

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A pause

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