Private message to Mum

Mum -

Today, just for a change, could it not be about Diane? I cannot believe she's been whining to you about this. I was supposed to get married today, and it's killing tearing me apart.

I have spent two fucking months not being able to talk in private with Raz. Except for Valentine's, which was more "We need to postpone the wedding" than anything pleasant. (Necessary, yes. Loving, yes. The conversation I wanted to be having? No.)

No marking. No supper chats. No random hours when we're both free. No nights And I don't know when - because I'm clinging to 'when, not if' as hard as I can - we get them back. When we can go back to talking. To spending time together. To planning a wedding. (I don't care about the wedding. I'd run off with him tonight except it wouldn't help.)

And there's all the endless miseries, what she's doing to the school. To his classes. To me. To anyone who comes within her reach.

So don't give me "Diane is so upset." She's not. She wants to play status games, and she wants people to look up to her, and if that's what she wants as her hobby, well, fine. But she doesn't get to decide my life, and especially when she doesn't know all the details and the reasons and the choices we're trying to juggle. And if she doesn't get that through her head - well. I do have limits. And I am very near them.

Don't push. Not today. Of all days. Not the day when I thought at least one thing would become real and solid and stand a chance of staying that way. Really, Mum. I thought better of you.

The flowers - well. They do go well together. I just wish