Right. I really am doing everything Poppy advises, first.
Mostly, I feel like I'm constantly one step behind, one step too slow, one step too wrong, and entirely too stupid. And I know how dangerous that is, to me, to others. The journals are much easier. No one sees how many times I rewrite something, or have to stop and think, how I hide the gaps.
In practical terms, I've maybe two hours of coherence or focus before I need to rest. My stamina is pitiful. I can feel how much the lack of defence practice is affecting me. And it's only the past fortnight my magic's really begun to settle usefully. I have no idea if I can handle more than a handful of people at a time, I startle easily, and the less said about my sleep the better.
But beyond that, I have lost so much of the sense of who I am, what that means. Joining you, changing pole stars, helps but does not mend everything. Nothing could. And I don't know how to measure that at all.
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Date: 2014-08-03 09:09 pm (UTC)Mostly, I feel like I'm constantly one step behind, one step too slow, one step too wrong, and entirely too stupid. And I know how dangerous that is, to me, to others. The journals are much easier. No one sees how many times I rewrite something, or have to stop and think, how I hide the gaps.
In practical terms, I've maybe two hours of coherence or focus before I need to rest. My stamina is pitiful. I can feel how much the lack of defence practice is affecting me. And it's only the past fortnight my magic's really begun to settle usefully. I have no idea if I can handle more than a handful of people at a time, I startle easily, and the less said about my sleep the better.
But beyond that, I have lost so much of the sense of who I am, what that means. Joining you, changing pole stars, helps but does not mend everything. Nothing could. And I don't know how to measure that at all.