Order Only - Private message to Alice Longbottom

[alt_sinistra]

I've been reading back, and thinking about some things that you should probably know. I talked to Remus about some of them, before he swore me in.

First, I want to list out resources, for everyone, so they know, because there's some things that might be helpful. But every draft I make comes back to mentioning Tosha somewhere, and I've read enough to know just how difficult that's going to be for some people. And for me to talk about as fairly as I want.

Second, you should know that it's not me being modest, when I talk about not knowing what I can do.

Raz and I, the binding charms we chose, they're very hard on the surviving partner. We chose them for good reason, but that's not much help right now. I can lay out what it means, but mostly I need you to not expect me to be better than I am. More together than I am.

Third, there's some things you might want to know. Pandora's Box, that was Tosha and Barty and Raz, I'm near certain. And you should know, the rite I did the location for, the original sacrifice was supposed to be Seamus Finnigan, not his mother. (I had no idea it was her, or what they made him do until this past week.)

And there's a thing you should know. A number of the Council can't cast the Patronus properly. Reliably. Tosha couldn't until this past year. Raz had years of his life he couldn't. Not filled with happy memories, a lot of them. And there's ways that underlies everything they do. Everything they value.

Comments

[alt_alice]

As to your second point, a thorough assessment of one's abilities is always important. Believe me, I'd much rather be realistic than think I have a resource that I don't. And I'm not in the habit of setting someone up to fail. If I ask you to do something, I expect you to tell me if it's beyond you.

[alt_sinistra]

Right. I really am doing everything Poppy advises, first.

Mostly, I feel like I'm constantly one step behind, one step too slow, one step too wrong, and entirely too stupid. And I know how dangerous that is, to me, to others. The journals are much easier. No one sees how many times I rewrite something, or have to stop and think, how I hide the gaps.

In practical terms, I've maybe two hours of coherence or focus before I need to rest. My stamina is pitiful. I can feel how much the lack of defence practice is affecting me. And it's only the past fortnight my magic's really begun to settle usefully. I have no idea if I can handle more than a handful of people at a time, I startle easily, and the less said about my sleep the better.

But beyond that, I have lost so much of the sense of who I am, what that means. Joining you, changing pole stars, helps but does not mend everything. Nothing could. And I don't know how to measure that at all.

[alt_alice]

I know it's not the same, but I've seen first-hand what it's like to have things go off-centre.

On top of it all, my Frank is a proud, stubborn man who finds it incredibly difficult to show weakness.

It's a slow, frustrating process, to be sure.

[alt_sinistra]

I read through that.

Brave of him. To try. And skilled, to make it work.

It's terrifying, not being able to defend myself.

[alt_alice]

Yes. Of course it is.

You're not alone, Siz.

I hope that helps, at least a little.