Order only
Aug. 10th, 2015 03:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
alt_sinistraThe Moons are dead. Linus's whole immediate family. Father, mother. Horace and Olivia (twins, they would have been fourth years, in Gryffindor). Vinca, who was only nine.
His owls kept coming back, and I gather he asked Ron to find out if anything was wrong. Thank you, Ron, for taking him seriously. And for how you told him. From what he said, it's clear it was Barty.
He's absolutely overset, but he is rather wanting to know if his sister Karo knows, or if we can pass it on.
If someone could tell Lavender, privately, that might also be a kindness. They appear to have broken things off, last night, from what he told me then.
His owls kept coming back, and I gather he asked Ron to find out if anything was wrong. Thank you, Ron, for taking him seriously. And for how you told him. From what he said, it's clear it was Barty.
He's absolutely overset, but he is rather wanting to know if his sister Karo knows, or if we can pass it on.
If someone could tell Lavender, privately, that might also be a kindness. They appear to have broken things off, last night, from what he told me then.
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Date: 2015-08-10 09:18 pm (UTC)I'll find Lavender and tell her.
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Date: 2015-08-10 09:25 pm (UTC)If you don't mind, and there's a spare Healer who could have a look at him, that might also be a kindness. (I've given him a calming potion, but.)
He's
It's rather awful.
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Date: 2015-08-10 09:19 pm (UTC)That's
Merlin.
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Date: 2015-08-10 09:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-08-10 09:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-08-10 09:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-08-10 09:27 pm (UTC)In any case, there would not have been time to warn them.
Private message to Evelyn
Date: 2015-08-11 02:10 am (UTC)It's early yet, but I'm going to try and sleep. My head's pounding again.
If you need somewhere quiet to be, my sitting room's at your disposal.
We can talk tomorrow? Or wake me if there's something urgent. Leaving the journal where I can't hear it. Only. I'm proud of you trying to do the caring thing. Even when it's difficult.
The thing I couldn't figure out how to do. Didn't dare.And. If you have to wake me, I recommend a light charm from across the room. I almost did something unfortunate to Suha when she tried to sit on my head this morning.
Re: Private message to Evelyn
Date: 2015-08-11 03:43 am (UTC)I know you mean quite well, and I appreciate it, but I am not eager to dwell. I did something, I must own it, and the greatest kindness possible would be to let me do useful work. Sympathy would be rather unbearable at the moment.
Re: Private message to Evelyn
Date: 2015-08-11 12:47 pm (UTC)There is a large pile of useful work on my desk in my rooms. So you needn't see anyone if you don't want, and I won't say a word to you unless you ask.
I'll be out for a bit this afternoon, most likely, but there is enough to keep you busy for several days, I think. Let me know if you need more.
Private message to Alice
Date: 2015-08-11 02:13 pm (UTC)I have not told him it was Rookwood I killed (but I would like to, so that we can return Rookwood's body, at least, for all I don't think any of that side have missed him, and now knowing he is dead won't change their plans.) I have not told him about Linus's family (though, again, I do not know if Karo knows.) I have not told him about the wards. I have not made any number of things more clear to him than they were already.
But I have told him that I said the prayers for Barty, when there was no one else who would, and I have told him that as much as it would be easier, I cannot set thoughts of him aside. My brain is not so tidy as that. And I am not so heartless.
What he wrote is an ongoing discussion, one we have had over the course of our friendship. About choice and consequence. You may read them, if you insist, but the part that is most relevant is where he said: "Your side may be the better choice -- I will not argue that question with you. But they are killing mine, and while I likewise will not argue the question of which of them deserved to die, you cannot hold my desire to live against me any more than you can hold my desire that you live. When the choice is between atrocity and execution, I will choose atrocity, and make my excuses to the gods when I must."
I also need to make clear something I tried to explain, before, several times, without breaking confidences, and now I think needs must. I told you, when I joined the Order, told many of you, that if you killed either Barty or Tosha, the other would hunt you to the ends of the earth.
What I did not say, in so many words, is that Tosha adopted Barty as his son and heir. Formally. Ritually. Two years ago, last spring. Adopted him by all the formal rites of both sides of his family. They did not tell many people - Lucius and Narcissa, I know. Me and Raz. People have guessed, since, but clearly, not enough people understood what that meant.
I know you do. For all you are now wishing I hadn't told you, I'm sure. For all it makes your job harder. But I keep thinking about how what we do, how we treat the other side, that is going to echo for decades. Like what they did, what you did, 20 years ago, and 15, and 10, is still with us. That how we treat the worst of them is what will be remembered, not how we did the easier things.
Killing is one thing. I will not argue that Tosha should not die. Not any more. But when we are done with the killing, let us keep our decency and our compassion, the shards that are left.
Also, and these are the old and wise snakes who have taught me speaking, it gives us more leverage later.
Re: Private message to Alice
Date: 2015-08-11 02:20 pm (UTC)I don't know what I need, but I know I won't find it here. That's been made quite clear.
Re: Private message to Alice
Date: 2015-08-11 06:43 pm (UTC)I very much hope that you'll find what you need, and will be returning to us.
We are human, we make mistakes, all, and the best we can do is to try and learn from them and move forward. Leaving Crouch in the woods was a mistake I'll admit to, and one I'm working with Rachel to see if we can remedy. Evelyn writing Dolohov was also an error in judgement, although her intent was good.
What else can I say?
I am about to make a policy announcement in the wake of what has happened in the last few days, requesting that communication with Albion's enemies, and those who may pass along information to those enemies, be first passed by a member of our security team to ensure there are no possible security breaches, especially unintentional ones.
It is not meant to target any one particular person. It is not meant to target you, believe me. Know that this is one of those moments where I cannot spare feelings or make exceptions, and we must keep in mind our greater safety -- and as a mentor to many young people, you no doubt know the value in setting good example.
We are still in a time of active war. People's lives hang in the balance in a very real way. This is not meant to punish, or prevent contact. I very much hope you are able to understand my intent, and realise this is a temporary measure to help our collective safety on many, many fronts.
Re: Private message to Alice
Date: 2015-08-11 11:07 pm (UTC)I had a rather longer draft worked out, and - I'm going to copy it below, because there are bits that you maybe need to know or at least I need to know I've said more clearly somewhere than I have before, but here are the parts that matter right now.
I understand and will obey the restriction. Comments below on the practicalities, but I can sort them out.
Thank you for admitting you handled things badly. It helps. And I am sorry for the things I've handled badly, which are many.
The wards magics, I didn't understand - I don't think anyone understands - what they affect, how they work, and I did a lot of it by intution and stubborness. The let-down is complicated.
I had thrown myself into the wards to avoid thinking about Harry, about the dozens of dead students, about how my sister hates me, about a dozen dozen other painful things. The all-absorbing parts of the wards are done, and I am forced to think again. Feel. And now someone I love was dead, is now alive, and until he is dead again, I will be reading and overhearing conversations about how good it will be to kill him, finally. I understand the necessity, I will no longer argue for his life even to you, but it is - difficult.
I killed someone, for the first time, and in a way I did not at all expect. Someone who had been a guest in my home when I had a home that was mine. I am still coming to grips with it. It must seem so stupid to you.
And finally, several things have stirred up old emotions - also, more below - and now that the wards project is largely over, the bludgers of all the repeated pains and fears are much louder. I have lost the stars to the burning sun, and there is no quiet dark where I can sort things out.
The rest is below. If you'd rather talk in person, I'll be in my rooms or the ward committee workroom. Or I can come somewhere else in the castle if you tell me where.
Re: Private message to Alice
Date: 2015-08-11 11:07 pm (UTC)The last part is the simplest. I understand the restriction, and I will make some suitable sort of public agreement with it. I will not be a burden, but I will still write, you understand. Just as the Weasleys will write to Ginny, and Rachel writes to whoever her contact is, and other people have those they care about and talk to.
In practice, it would save everyone time if we can identify the best-read of the current security force, please. My discussions with Tosha routinely have a variety of allusions, historical, literary, and otherwise. I am glad to annotate - both explicit and implicit content - but it would go faster with someone who already grasped even part of it. And I will be honest: without that, I could hide rather a lot in those allusions, and a casual reader would not notice. I will not, but you have no way to know that.
(Justin has a fair bit of the background, but that would not go well, even if he were not needed elsewhere. Tobias Blessfield, maybe, from a few things I've overheard at meals?)
The rest, first, I know I am still raw from the weekend. From the massive magics of the past fortnight. Wrestling magic, wild magic, has costs.
My head's aching again. Helping Linus, some of the wards research, has dredged up both the worst of my remaining fears and a lot of old pains, about being left out, and friendless, and only good for stars and maybe books, and the world utterly uncaring. And I needed to not be here before I did something that would hurt people who don't deserve it.
I am also quite clear that while my work with the wards was at least moderately valued, it is largely over and I am no longer particularly needed. I am equally clear that whatever other knowledge, experience, understanding I have, it does not matter. Not as someone who learned a lot about many of those still fighting us, when I married in. And certainly not as someone who has losses that are barely acknowledged, or even openly, blatantly, scorned. (And I do not mean Tosha here, to be clear, but Harry. Raz. Unpopular students whose empty chairs are going to haunt my next six years if there is a school and me still alive and teaching.)
I'd hoped for better, is all. In a lot of ways.
It's not your fault. You are human, there is only so much time and so much heart, and you have been openhearted with me far beyond anything I expected. But I am hurting, and I am so incredibly tired, and the world has not allowed me to keep anyone to turn to when the worst moments come, who also understands the complex parts. At least not someone who is a peer. I envy you and Frank, and I envy Sirius and Remus, and Rachel and Bill, my parents, and - rather a lot of people. For still having each other. It does not bring out my better self.
I am on the outside, and I needed to look outside to find some way to keep going. I may need to again.
But I do care about Albion, and I do want this to be over, and I want there to be a world worth living in when it is. Which means not just thinking about winning the war, but what it's like in the decades to come, what we sacrifice and what we can't afford to.
Re: Private message to Alice
Date: 2015-08-12 12:45 am (UTC)There is not enough energy in me to begin to address this with adequate care.
You have poured out your heart many times over, but these are not problems with easy solutions, and I am not sure what you want of me, or whether I can begin to provide it.
I suggest you talk to Vector about your future at Hogwarts, and what form it may take, and think about how you might reconcile the rest. And remember, love, we all mourn in different ways, and have had rather a flood of it in recent months -- simply because people do not display it openly for everyone we've lost does not mean it is not felt.
Give it time.