Private message to Tosha

[alt_sinistra]

I meant to write Friday. Or Saturday. Or before today. But - well. Taken me days to get my feet under me again.

Business first. Took all of Thursday and Friday, but Raz's the Defence classroom's all cleaned out, and the office, and Raz's and my rooms (and my things moved back to the seventh floor). Thank you again for loaning me Cedric's help - it was taking me forever to make the stupidest decisions.

I am planning to be back at Hogwarts starting Monday. There's the Guild end-of-season lectures here on Saturday, and I really ought to make an appearance, however brief. But I'm thinking - well. That it's better if I have time at school before there are students. To sort out how to deal with memories in private. Without making a fool of myself.

Second, Septima stopped by, while I was working in Raz's the Defence classroom, to see what I thought about the Head Boy and Girl choices. I didn't say much, but she's not happy. About that, and all the other changes, and well, everything. (I got rather an earful about how it's going to be so different with Horace gone, too.)

She offered something rather generous (to rearrange my schedule if I liked, and we both know how tedious that is for her), but I pointed out that if she did, I'd likely forget what I'm supposed to be teaching when, and that's no good for anyone. But then I said I'd appreciate picking up our old regular chats about arithmancy again (true enough, for my own reasons.)

That left the door for further conversations ajar, so if there's things you'd particularly like me to get her talking about, I'm willing to try. How are your other plans going? (And if there's something I could actually manage to be helpful with, you know you should ask.)

Also, so I can have things in place - you're going to be terribly busy, so should I sort out ways to distract myself on Fridays as well as the weekend? I am still entirely dreading Saturdays.

Comments

[alt_antonin]

Oh, my dear little star. I am so sorry it's been so difficult for you. You may borrow Mr Diggory as often as you feel he will be helpful; I am happy to lend him to you.

I was not planning to move to Hogwarts full-time until a few days before term starts, but if it would be easier on you to have the castle tenanted when you move back, I can join you earlier. Or if you would prefer privacy for your remembering, I can do that as well. It is up to you.

I am not surprised that Septima is disgrunted. I have done my best to reach out to her, but you know how she dislikes change, and she holds grudges like an old snake. I will do my best to work with her, but -- well, we shall fly that owl when it has fledged and not a moment before. I will think on how I can reach out to her.

This coming year will be busy, yes, but I would not want to leave you alone -- and, selfishly, I do not want to give up our time together. Would it help you to move to Saturdays? I will need to be out of the castle during the day, most likely, and I may be caught up in my work for Our Lord some weeks, but if it would help, I will do what I can to be there for you. Or we could come up with some activity for the students on Saturday nights, for you to supervise and them to participate in if they wish, to distract you.

[alt_sinistra]

Oh, Tosha.

Necessary hard things. And the parts that were about doing something are done now.

I just kept thinking about cleaning out that classroom, after Lockhart, when he was about to start. And there's something right (in the middle of the horribly wrong) about being the one to sort things out again, you know? Like your cycles of prayers, with beginnings and endings.

Don't move back early for me. (Though if you're working, and you want to pause for tea, I'll come join you. Willing to have things explained to me if you need to sort them in your head, too.)

And I think I'd like time to settle myself before there's anyone else.

I think I'd like Fridays, still, please. There's something about ending the week talking, when everything's still fresh, that helps me. And less likely to be disturbed by other tasks. I'd been thinking about maybe opening the tower up Saturday night, for talking, like Alde and I used to do, about other things than stars, but I'll see how it goes, maybe. If anyone is interested. Or if you've some other idea, do propose.

Septima, well, yes. I got to thinking about the staffing today, and how it's changed over time. And how somehow I've been there longer than half the staff if you discard Binns as an outlier of statistics. Very odd. Not sure what I think of that. Must be much worse for her, somehow.

[alt_antonin]

It's all the same thing, I suppose: changes never sit easily, particularly when they are changes to things or to situations one loved. Reinvention is never comfortable when one had no intention of being reinvented. But I think you are right, in thinking of endings and beginnings. Two faces of the same coin, or the snake eating its own tail.

Friday it is, my dear, and all yours.

[alt_sinistra]

You did tell me, early on, that the one constant in Our Lord's service is change.

Even the ones we'd never have chosen ourselves.

I suppose all we can do is go forward, and see what happens.

Fridays. Thank you. That helps.

[alt_antonin]

Sometimes I fear it is especially the changes we do not choose for ourselves. They are the most far-reaching, after all. I often wonder what my life would have been like had I

I am only sorry that I cannot be of more help, my dear.

[alt_sinistra]

Oh, Toshenka.

You are a great help, and have been. And will be, come term, I am so very sure.

We can't change what's past, any of us. Just maybe what happens next.

[alt_antonin]

Yes. And if nothing else, we will both be able to hold our heads high and say we have done right by the children, as much as we were able given the pressures upon us; it's something, I suppose.

[alt_sinistra]

We are both in such a mood tonight, Tosha. But yes. It is something. Maybe enough. Won't know until we get there.

I have been reading Sophocles again, and thinking about Antigone, and impossible choices of loyalty and love. But also about the bit at the end of the first play that goes

That is why we wait to see the final day,
Not calling anybody happy who is mortal
Until he has passed the last milestone without calamity.

We can't tell what matters until it's over, ever. How it all adds up or doesn't. Who remembers us and why.

Looking at this, I think I should apply myself to a bottle of beer and some stars. It might do me some good.

[alt_antonin]

It cannot hurt, at least, and the stars at least do not judge.

Sleep well, my dear сестренка, when you do. I hope that it is a quiet night.