Order Only - Private message to Alice Longbottom

[alt_sinistra]

I've been reading back, and thinking about some things that you should probably know. I talked to Remus about some of them, before he swore me in.

First, I want to list out resources, for everyone, so they know, because there's some things that might be helpful. But every draft I make comes back to mentioning Tosha somewhere, and I've read enough to know just how difficult that's going to be for some people. And for me to talk about as fairly as I want.

Second, you should know that it's not me being modest, when I talk about not knowing what I can do.

Raz and I, the binding charms we chose, they're very hard on the surviving partner. We chose them for good reason, but that's not much help right now. I can lay out what it means, but mostly I need you to not expect me to be better than I am. More together than I am.

Third, there's some things you might want to know. Pandora's Box, that was Tosha and Barty and Raz, I'm near certain. And you should know, the rite I did the location for, the original sacrifice was supposed to be Seamus Finnigan, not his mother. (I had no idea it was her, or what they made him do until this past week.)

And there's a thing you should know. A number of the Council can't cast the Patronus properly. Reliably. Tosha couldn't until this past year. Raz had years of his life he couldn't. Not filled with happy memories, a lot of them. And there's ways that underlies everything they do. Everything they value.

Comments

[alt_alice]

Thank you, Aurora. Neville suspected as much about Seamus, but it's certainly good to have confirmation. We're still teasing apart how to reverse things, which is blasted difficult. Theories abound, of course, but they're all speculative at this point.

And you're right -- it is difficult for some of our members to objectively think about Antonin Dolohov, especially recently.

Are you concerned that people will question your take on things? I have a feeling that the more open you are about the extent of your connections, the better off we'll all be. To be blunt, I believe that the more transparent you are from the start, the less your motives will be questioned by those who have reason to be wary about him. I will do the best I can to listen objectively and give you support.

[alt_sinistra]

Complicated magic is like that. And that rite, they didn't even tell Raz the details (and he didn't ask.)

As to Tosha, I can do that. I think. I'll work on how to phrase it. The thing about him is - did you ever read the Narnia books? He lent them to me. He is not a tame lion, in all the way those books mean, that there is something dangerous, always just under the surface, always a dozen things in his head, always in motion. With claws just an instant away.

I do care for him. I am quite certain he cares for me. Not so much as for Barty, or Narcissa or Lucius. Not so much it would keep me alive if he knew any of this past week. But enough he would make it as gentle as he could.

And I do trust that what he tells me is true, but I never assume it's the complete truth, and I never ever imagine I could out-think him, not on my best day with a running start.

I do think he's the best Head Hogwarts could be given, in this moment. That he wants students in his charge to be as safe as he is allowed to make them. And there's ways I am - he and I talk, regularly. There are so many things I could ask that might maybe help. Or even just a time when Cedric, when others, knew he'd be busy. The Book, I mean.

But it's so very complicated. All of it.

[alt_alice]

It is, yes.

I know Harry's been working closely with him, and feels similarly about him as Head, from what I can gather. And I know Harry's rather driven when it comes to the safety of the students at Hogwarts -- if they're on the same page on that count, I can see how they'd be able to work together fairly well. Within certain limits.

And that's key, isn't it? Knowing where those limits are.

[alt_sinistra]

I've been talking to Harry and Cedric. (They filled me in on things not in the journals, too. Helped.)

Yes. The question with Tosha is what he's required to do. He takes his oath so seriously, and I can't help but respect that.

Even when - well. Even when that loyalty's been sorely tested.

The challenge, this spring, upset him, so many ways. The recklessness of it. The damage it did. (And especially after the year before.) But it's the question we had with Madam Pinkness, of how much anyone could protest without being removed entirely. Permanently, maybe.

You must have done the arithmancy on how many deaths in Court there've been the past few years, without public explanation. I have. Over and over again.

[alt_alice]

I think

Well, I think it helps, in an odd sort of way. To know that even someone at the centre of things gets frustrated with it all from time to time.

[alt_sinistra]

I've tried to find words for this half a dozen times now.

But yes. Frustrated. Confused by what He demands. Or does. More than used to be, I think. The past couple of years, a lot's changed.

He used to reward loyalty. Offer some protection. And that's just - not there, anymore. Not for the Council. Not for their families, the ones who have family. And so there's something else now, and I don't know enough to know details, just to see pieces of it. Loyalties, sometimes, but sometimes just alliances.

Thing I told Remus, should make sure you realise. Tosha and Barty. If one of them dies, the other will hunt the killer to the ends of the earth. I am entirely sure of that. Revenge. Fury. Madness. Dangerous to anything and everything in the way.

But that's what I mean, about how things change. It's a wedge that wasn't there a few years ago. How Bettina Yaxley was treated is a wedge. Lucius. Half a dozen things more. It's changing how they deal with each other.

[alt_alice]

It is one thing to fight for power with claws out and teeth bared, and another thing entirely to sort out what to do once you have it.

That's one reason I've been so very careful about thinking through what things might look like after all is said and done. How to keep us from imploding in an act of endless revenge and retribution, and how to make sure these soldiers we're training are going to give up power once it's in their hands.

We have to invent something brand new, and know we won't get it entirely right, but what we have now is utterly unsustainable and a crime against humanity, and what we had before led us straight here.

[alt_sinistra]

I had to laugh and laugh and laugh. For the first time since - well.

I've had this precise conversation with Tosha. Several times over. In as many words.

And just - hearing you say the same thing, makes it easier to be think maybe there is a way forward. As odd as that sounds. Something brand new, yes. Or maybe something old.

I keep wondering, what it was like before the Statute of Secrecy. How people did things. Managed. Not that there weren't problems, I grew up on the stories like you must have, why we had to keep secret. But I wonder how it worked. Legally. Practically.

[alt_alice]

More freedom for certain things, more checks and balances for others, I'd imagine.

One thing we've had to struggle with throughout history, though, is the notion that people deserve dignity and freedom simply because they are people.

And that is something worth aiming for.

[alt_sinistra]

I spent a lot of time thinking last night, while I was looking at nebulae.

It takes a lot of variety to make a working galaxy, really. Having everything all the same is sterile. (Quite literally, if you look at some family trees...)

But yes. The idea of dignity and respect and including rather than excluding. Strength of our house, that, but so immensely unfashionable at the moment. Learning from that variety. And I keep thinking about what you've been trying, all of you, with the centaurs and goblins.

[alt_alice]

My definition of what constitutes a person is certainly broader than most.

It also strikes me time and again that the people we are fighting against consistently underestimate the value of some of our strongest assets. They would have Bill Davidson digging up turnips and Hermione shining shoes. What a colossal waste.

[alt_alice]

And you're right -- it is all quite badgery, isn't it?

[alt_sinistra]

I don't know you well enough to figure out if that's you trying to figure out what I think about muggleborns. (Or Muggles, yes, if I remember about Davidson right?)

I remember my own school days well enough. And I think it's a shame that people who could learn aren't allowed to, and that people are treated so badly, and -

Mostly, I feel guilty. About a lot of things.

And I think it's probably more sensible for me to sort that out in my own head before I talk much about it. Harry and Cedric and I talked a bit about Hermione, this week. I'm still thinking.

There's a lot of benefit in being underestimated, I've found. And in badger virtues. And both of them take rather a lot of people by surprise.

[alt_alice]

I've been living this for years, Siz. I still consider my own perspective to be deeply flawed and ever evolving. We've got a thousand years weighing us down. I don't expect any of us to rid ourselves of those trappings with the snap of our fingers.

And if you're thinking of what's going on as happening to people, then yes, I can see how guilt would be a part of it.

Thinking helps. Talking does too. Harry and Cedric are good to start with, and if you're amenable, it might be good for you to get to know some of our people too, and put faces to some of those names. Once you're on more solid ground, that is.

[alt_alice]

As to your second point, a thorough assessment of one's abilities is always important. Believe me, I'd much rather be realistic than think I have a resource that I don't. And I'm not in the habit of setting someone up to fail. If I ask you to do something, I expect you to tell me if it's beyond you.

[alt_sinistra]

Right. I really am doing everything Poppy advises, first.

Mostly, I feel like I'm constantly one step behind, one step too slow, one step too wrong, and entirely too stupid. And I know how dangerous that is, to me, to others. The journals are much easier. No one sees how many times I rewrite something, or have to stop and think, how I hide the gaps.

In practical terms, I've maybe two hours of coherence or focus before I need to rest. My stamina is pitiful. I can feel how much the lack of defence practice is affecting me. And it's only the past fortnight my magic's really begun to settle usefully. I have no idea if I can handle more than a handful of people at a time, I startle easily, and the less said about my sleep the better.

But beyond that, I have lost so much of the sense of who I am, what that means. Joining you, changing pole stars, helps but does not mend everything. Nothing could. And I don't know how to measure that at all.

[alt_alice]

I know it's not the same, but I've seen first-hand what it's like to have things go off-centre.

On top of it all, my Frank is a proud, stubborn man who finds it incredibly difficult to show weakness.

It's a slow, frustrating process, to be sure.

[alt_sinistra]

I read through that.

Brave of him. To try. And skilled, to make it work.

It's terrifying, not being able to defend myself.

[alt_alice]

Yes. Of course it is.

You're not alone, Siz.

I hope that helps, at least a little.

[alt_alice]

Before I forget. Do you have a preferred title? Our younger members call you Siz almost to a fault, I've noticed.

[alt_sinistra]

None of my names quite fits right anymore, really.

Siz is the easiest, really. I've never much cared for Aurora. It always seemed a name for someone more elegant and together than I've ever managed to be. My family and some close friends call me Auri.

[alt_alice]

Of course.

I realised that I was falling back on old habits. After all, the Aurora I knew was a first-year Hufflepuff.

I very much look forward to getting to know Siz.

[alt_sinistra]

Rather a different person now, all round.

I grew up a lot, the last four years. Late for it, but better than never.

Siz is rather braver than Aurora. And slightly less about her head being entirely in the stars. Even when they're very comforting and reassuring.